Happiness is... Telling your husband that you're 4 days late and if we were pregnant this month we only had to dance once. He proceeded to do a dance singing "ONE TIME BABY!" TMI I know but we had an off month. LOL!
Sadness is... Telling your husband that even though you were 4 days late AF came like a bat out of hell and is still here 6 days late still as strong as ever.
Hubby admitted that he was incredibly upset this month. He had his hopes up... So did I. So did the few friends I told. Failure, is what I feel. "Unexplained Infertility" Yep. I haz it. It fucking sucks.
When I was speaking to my friend about what was happening this week... 4 days late, still heavy flow and heavy cramping. I think I had a miscarriage. I'm afraid to test. To confirm to see if it were true. Something isn't right. I never cramp past the 2nd day. I never have a heavy flow past the 3rd day. Now I'm easily on day 6 and it's just as heavy as ever. This isn't normal. It reminds me of my first confirmed miscarriage. This has happened only a few times before, which I believe ended in m/c. I will test tonight. If it's positive, what do I do? Head to the doctors and say "Well, here's a BFP but I'm bleeding like a mofo... Give me the news doc, because the pain is a Pain in the ass... Well not really the ass but you know what I mean."
Sigh.
October was suppose to be the month I reached my goal for my doctors. It was the month I was going to give IUI a shot but I'm 20-30lbs away from that procedure.
Failed again... While everyone around me is getting pregnant. I feel happy for them, truly I do but damn. Sometimes when you want something so bad, it just sucks and it's hard to put on a smiley happy all is fucking fineee in the world when it's not. "Relax, Calm Down, Stop Trying" Bitches better shut the hell up before I smack them.
Like a friend told me last night. "I was serious when I told you I'd be a surrogate for you"
I believe her. She offered years ago. I couldn't give up on myself. I couldn't give up even if it took me years to meet my child, conceived, carried, enjoyed and living through the complaints about the "agonies" of pregnancy. Bring it on. Bring it ALL on. I'm ready for them all!
"I truly believe the souls of our children wait for us until we are ready to bring them into the world" My friend last said to me. I agree with her. I can still say it sucks though.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Another failed attempt but another reading from a pyshic
So stupid me… One of the other known online psychics who predicted correctly for several friends had a sale and I couldn’t resist. I spent $5 to only receive devastating news.
This reading was from http://www.ttcbabylovepredictions.com/
Thanks so much for letting me read for you! I really enjoyed it and pray you get all you desire. If you would like a more in depth reading about your future children and or anything else please visit my site. Also if you know anyone else needing a reading I would love for you to refer me if you liked your reading as my business is based off referrals. Tons of baby dust and Blessings!
I see a find out with a bfp/conceive or give birth in July. So either find out with a bfp/conceive July of 2011 or give birth July of 2012. I see a boy.
It wasn’t very clear so I asked what it meant.
“First you said, BFP/Conceive or Give Birth in July. Then you had BFP/Conceive in july 2011 or give birth July 2012. It couldn't be give birth July 2011?”
Hey sweetie. i am very sorry if there was any confusion. No I am seeing a find out with a bfp/conceive in July of next year OR a give birth in July of 2012. Hope this clears up things? Again sorry for the confusion and lots of luck!
I was kind of hoping it would have been giving birth in July of 2011. Which would of made the timing of this month’s TTC possible. But then I have to look at the brighter side of things. July is not that far away, and while I wish for a BFP by that date, it could happen a few months later and that’s alright too. I have weight to lose and things to take care of personally. So waiting IS good. Now I have to take advantage of that time in between now and then and get to work.
Harvest Gathering came and went far too fast, but the entire week was amazing. We got in on Wednesday evening and after eating dinner, hanging out with my friends we headed to our cabin where we proceeded to do a fertility cleansing ritual. 3 of the most powerful, beautiful and inspiring women I know, surrounded me with love. They each did their own analysis/cleansing of me and boy, were they spot on! Afterwards, of course DH and I consecrated the space. LOL!! I kept an open mind that week and made sure we just enjoyed ourselves. If it happens that week, it happens. But it didn’t, and that’s OK. I enjoyed my week surrounded by a ton of people and great energy. Plus the Goddess herself told me to pretty much 'chillax'
I need to focus on DH and I. I need to focus on the love that we have for each other and allow that passion to grow. If we are blessed with a child now or in several years, so be it. Actually I refuse to wait several years. I think that when I hit the recommended weight loss, (Another 30lbs per the doctor. Another 60lbs per myself!) then I will head back to my RE for other methods of conceiving. Now we’re just going to continue to wing it and see where the wind takes us.
Much love.
This reading was from http://www.ttcbabylovepredictions.com/
Thanks so much for letting me read for you! I really enjoyed it and pray you get all you desire. If you would like a more in depth reading about your future children and or anything else please visit my site. Also if you know anyone else needing a reading I would love for you to refer me if you liked your reading as my business is based off referrals. Tons of baby dust and Blessings!
I see a find out with a bfp/conceive or give birth in July. So either find out with a bfp/conceive July of 2011 or give birth July of 2012. I see a boy.
It wasn’t very clear so I asked what it meant.
“First you said, BFP/Conceive or Give Birth in July. Then you had BFP/Conceive in july 2011 or give birth July 2012. It couldn't be give birth July 2011?”
Hey sweetie. i am very sorry if there was any confusion. No I am seeing a find out with a bfp/conceive in July of next year OR a give birth in July of 2012. Hope this clears up things? Again sorry for the confusion and lots of luck!
I was kind of hoping it would have been giving birth in July of 2011. Which would of made the timing of this month’s TTC possible. But then I have to look at the brighter side of things. July is not that far away, and while I wish for a BFP by that date, it could happen a few months later and that’s alright too. I have weight to lose and things to take care of personally. So waiting IS good. Now I have to take advantage of that time in between now and then and get to work.
Harvest Gathering came and went far too fast, but the entire week was amazing. We got in on Wednesday evening and after eating dinner, hanging out with my friends we headed to our cabin where we proceeded to do a fertility cleansing ritual. 3 of the most powerful, beautiful and inspiring women I know, surrounded me with love. They each did their own analysis/cleansing of me and boy, were they spot on! Afterwards, of course DH and I consecrated the space. LOL!! I kept an open mind that week and made sure we just enjoyed ourselves. If it happens that week, it happens. But it didn’t, and that’s OK. I enjoyed my week surrounded by a ton of people and great energy. Plus the Goddess herself told me to pretty much 'chillax'
I need to focus on DH and I. I need to focus on the love that we have for each other and allow that passion to grow. If we are blessed with a child now or in several years, so be it. Actually I refuse to wait several years. I think that when I hit the recommended weight loss, (Another 30lbs per the doctor. Another 60lbs per myself!) then I will head back to my RE for other methods of conceiving. Now we’re just going to continue to wing it and see where the wind takes us.
Much love.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The 'Psychic' was WRONG!
I didn't post an update because one... I don't think anyone is listening/watching/reading too much. And having that woman be wrong in her prediction was quite heartbreaking for both DH and I. It's sad when you hope for something so bad, you can see it, taste it, feel it. You're so convinced it'll happen this month only to be disappointed yet again. It brought back too many memories of all our failed attempts at conceiving. It was like a punch in the face and in the gut at the same time. Timing, schmiming.
We've decided to take this next cycle off and go on with our lives. A month to focus on each other and to grab the reigns on eating right and getting into shape. Round is a shape. :P
I've spoken to the other women in my Pagan community about doing a ritual cleansing at Harvest Gathering in September. (Our Pagan retreat. 100+ people. AWESOME!) They seem to be excited and I'm currently writing a ritual for that. It's not a fertile month but hey... women get pregnant in the fall. Why not me? :)
HG has been known to knock women up. Two got pregnant the same year and I happen to be ovulating that week. So maybe this is what my lil bean was waiting for. To be surrounded by many positive women who have only positive energy to give to another in need and want.
I love my other family.
We've decided to take this next cycle off and go on with our lives. A month to focus on each other and to grab the reigns on eating right and getting into shape. Round is a shape. :P
I've spoken to the other women in my Pagan community about doing a ritual cleansing at Harvest Gathering in September. (Our Pagan retreat. 100+ people. AWESOME!) They seem to be excited and I'm currently writing a ritual for that. It's not a fertile month but hey... women get pregnant in the fall. Why not me? :)
HG has been known to knock women up. Two got pregnant the same year and I happen to be ovulating that week. So maybe this is what my lil bean was waiting for. To be surrounded by many positive women who have only positive energy to give to another in need and want.
I love my other family.
Monday, July 26, 2010
It's been awhile...
Since I've posted on this Blog. I read through it on a regular/Monthly basis. Looking back at my most tender private thoughts for all the world to see. Not that the world is viewing my blog. But, it's my diary. My journal. An open book in the life of Dee.
I know I have IF but I never compare myself to those who had several miscarriages, or those who have several rounds of unsuccessful IVF sessions. Or successful rounds of IVF that end in losses. I believe they're struggling far worse than I am. I'm just... not getting pregnant. I never had the ultrasound or heard the heartbeat to connect to. So, could not knowing be worse? Why compare? I honestly question myself "Well, there's is a lot worse than what I'm going through because they had a chance to connect to their unborn child." Mine was with me in spirit and dreams and feelings, and several tests that showed two lines. I know she was a girl because that's what my instinct and everything mentioned above told me. She was my little girl. Hubby's eyes and my dark hair. I loved her as soon as I saw her and when I said goodbye to her, my heart broke but I was released from the pain and agony I felt.
I believe I had my 3rd miscarriage not too long ago. Again another chemical but to me it was just another day. A very painful day and then it passed. It was exactly like my first, minus the tests. I never confirmed it, never went to the doctors... I just let my body do it's thing. Could I be wrong? Possibly, but I don't think so. Very few know what happened that day, it's not something I talk about with anyone. Maybe it's my mind being in denial or accepting the fact that it wasn't meant to be? So I'm moving on and counting my one and only positive pregnancy that happened in January of 2006.
It's hard to think that she would of been 4 this year. Still hard when I look at others my age who are 'spitting' out kids left and right. Even those who are younger than I am. Who don't want kids, but yet they are blessed with a child? How fair is that? Who am I to question what the F is going on? What about the rest of us who are suffering? When will it be OUR turn to know that joy.
I welcome the back aches (not really since I have bad arthritis lol)
I welcome the swollen ankles, the puffy face, the tender breasts, the giant ass, the thick hair, nails, acne, morning sickness, weight gain, weight loss, the odd cravings, the struggling to make an attempt to fit into the last pair of jeans that seemed to fit alright a week ago but all of a sudden, I gained 10lbs?!
I welcome all of that! Bring it on Mother Goddess! I am ready!
This basically was an update to say that earlier in the year, I did an online psychic reading. It worked for several pals and failed for another. She predicted that I would conceive in July, find out in August and have my baby girl April 22nd or 23rd.
What she did not know was that before the reading took place, Hubby and I decided to put a stop to the TTC until we lost some weight and took control over a few personal things but we'd try in July... Coincidence? Instead of preventing pregnancy, we kept doing our thing, if we got pregnant than PRAISE THE GODDESS!! lol It didn't happen. Even around ovulation, we kept at it... Nothing. No scares, nada. Other than what I believed to be a Chemical.
April came. With that came 'Spring Fling' a Pagan concert and ritual. During the ritual we had what was called the Maypole Dance. The girls grabbed me and I was the one who put the giant Maypole into the hole. Very phallic indeed. VERY fertile! The entire ritual was about fertility and was spectacular. Mama Mary whom I love dearly, a pillar in our community, our CWPN President tied what seemed to be a simple Hemp Bracelet. But it was something more. A gift that from that night I tied onto my Akuabu statue. People gave me their babydust, rubbed my belly, kissed my cheeks and then I danced. Danced around the Maypole with my red ribbon until I tied it at the end.
The last one who danced the Maypole at one of our events got herself pregnant in September... Coincidence again? Pretty close there online psychic reader.
So last week we were focused on getting pregnant. I brought all of my borrowed fertility gifts upstairs. Did my own prayer and ritual and proceeded to repeat every night. TMI? LOL!!
Last night was a full moon and according to www.fertilitygal.com I was ovulating. Great timing indeed.
We'll see what happens. I hate to say 'I'll wait to test' but no way! I'm going to test as early as I can LOL! 2 weeks from now I will either see two lines, or just one... We shall see.
I know I have IF but I never compare myself to those who had several miscarriages, or those who have several rounds of unsuccessful IVF sessions. Or successful rounds of IVF that end in losses. I believe they're struggling far worse than I am. I'm just... not getting pregnant. I never had the ultrasound or heard the heartbeat to connect to. So, could not knowing be worse? Why compare? I honestly question myself "Well, there's is a lot worse than what I'm going through because they had a chance to connect to their unborn child." Mine was with me in spirit and dreams and feelings, and several tests that showed two lines. I know she was a girl because that's what my instinct and everything mentioned above told me. She was my little girl. Hubby's eyes and my dark hair. I loved her as soon as I saw her and when I said goodbye to her, my heart broke but I was released from the pain and agony I felt.
I believe I had my 3rd miscarriage not too long ago. Again another chemical but to me it was just another day. A very painful day and then it passed. It was exactly like my first, minus the tests. I never confirmed it, never went to the doctors... I just let my body do it's thing. Could I be wrong? Possibly, but I don't think so. Very few know what happened that day, it's not something I talk about with anyone. Maybe it's my mind being in denial or accepting the fact that it wasn't meant to be? So I'm moving on and counting my one and only positive pregnancy that happened in January of 2006.
It's hard to think that she would of been 4 this year. Still hard when I look at others my age who are 'spitting' out kids left and right. Even those who are younger than I am. Who don't want kids, but yet they are blessed with a child? How fair is that? Who am I to question what the F is going on? What about the rest of us who are suffering? When will it be OUR turn to know that joy.
I welcome the back aches (not really since I have bad arthritis lol)
I welcome the swollen ankles, the puffy face, the tender breasts, the giant ass, the thick hair, nails, acne, morning sickness, weight gain, weight loss, the odd cravings, the struggling to make an attempt to fit into the last pair of jeans that seemed to fit alright a week ago but all of a sudden, I gained 10lbs?!
I welcome all of that! Bring it on Mother Goddess! I am ready!
This basically was an update to say that earlier in the year, I did an online psychic reading. It worked for several pals and failed for another. She predicted that I would conceive in July, find out in August and have my baby girl April 22nd or 23rd.
What she did not know was that before the reading took place, Hubby and I decided to put a stop to the TTC until we lost some weight and took control over a few personal things but we'd try in July... Coincidence? Instead of preventing pregnancy, we kept doing our thing, if we got pregnant than PRAISE THE GODDESS!! lol It didn't happen. Even around ovulation, we kept at it... Nothing. No scares, nada. Other than what I believed to be a Chemical.
April came. With that came 'Spring Fling' a Pagan concert and ritual. During the ritual we had what was called the Maypole Dance. The girls grabbed me and I was the one who put the giant Maypole into the hole. Very phallic indeed. VERY fertile! The entire ritual was about fertility and was spectacular. Mama Mary whom I love dearly, a pillar in our community, our CWPN President tied what seemed to be a simple Hemp Bracelet. But it was something more. A gift that from that night I tied onto my Akuabu statue. People gave me their babydust, rubbed my belly, kissed my cheeks and then I danced. Danced around the Maypole with my red ribbon until I tied it at the end.
The last one who danced the Maypole at one of our events got herself pregnant in September... Coincidence again? Pretty close there online psychic reader.
So last week we were focused on getting pregnant. I brought all of my borrowed fertility gifts upstairs. Did my own prayer and ritual and proceeded to repeat every night. TMI? LOL!!
Last night was a full moon and according to www.fertilitygal.com I was ovulating. Great timing indeed.
We'll see what happens. I hate to say 'I'll wait to test' but no way! I'm going to test as early as I can LOL! 2 weeks from now I will either see two lines, or just one... We shall see.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I caved..
I tested this morning with a Dollar Tree test and got a BFN. That's ok. I understand that it's wayy too early. I'm only 10DPO! I'm just so anxious to find out.. I keep thinking positive and what's happening with my body and my mind this past week+ screams that I'm pregnant but again.. It could be my mind playing tricks. I did however buy two First Response tests yesterday at Wal-Mart. WOO For coupons!! www.firstresponse.com
The dreams.. Constant non stop dreams, several in an evening. I'm lucky if I get 2 or 3 of those a week. Not every night!
The signs, the lovely fox that ran infront of my car, I called to him and he stopped and stared at me for what seemed like minutes before nodding and running off.
A little symbolism for you..
In Native American lore, fox animal symbolism deals with two interpretations. One perspective (Northern tribes) observes the fox as a wise and noble messenger.
The fox animal symbolism takes a turn of intelligence in the Celtic realm, as the Celts believed the fox to be a guide, and was honored for its wisdom. The Celts understood the fox knows the woods intimately, and they would rely upon the fox as their guide in the spirit world.
And then there was the Tarot reading on Facebook.. Who believes those quizzes.. I DO! If this doesn't scream what I hope it's screaming.. I don't know what would! :P
Your Tarot Card Reading drew the Five of Wands. This card assure's good fortune, and foretell's of good news. Victory over adversity is near. After much labor comes success. A major goal or accomplishment is about to be complete. But dont celebrate just yet, there is work still to be done.
I have to work this weekend and if I get my BFP I know exactly what I'm getting DH.. I've planned it for many years. I hope this little item is in my hands this weekend.
I looked at the Mother/Father/Baby one but this one seemed more personal. More for him. Because he wanted just as long as I did..
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
All Hail Akuaba!
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So.. The timing of this cycle was perfect.. I got my +OPK on CD16- 6/9/09. The timing for baby dancing was perfect. Sunday is Fathers Day and it also makes me 13DPO. For the past 2 cycles I've been 33 days.. If I'm 33 days this cycle then I'm testing a bit too early. But I'll give it a shot. That would be a fantastic Fathers Day... If I get a BFN then I'll wait until AF and test again. According to my 33 day cycle chart I made AF is due around 6/26/09.
Here's to hoping!!
This past Saturday night I went to a friends 50th birthday party and was given an African fertility Goddess statue called Akuaba. She helped my friend conceive her 3 kids. She also gave me an unopened Geode that helped 4 or 5 other women in the community conceive. It's full of babies she said. Let's hope just one! The extra help from both was fantastic and much appreciated. Both artifcats oozed positive energy.
If I'm not pregnant this month then the girls and I will get together and give me the extra boost I need. I love my 2nd family..
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sad month..
Well.. There goes this cycle.. I had hopes and dreams and high expectations of conceiving this month. I had plans to get a BFP while we were on vacation in Florida.. I had plans to take full advantage of being close to the beach and ocean by writing BFP and taking pictures of a positive pregnancy test in the sand.. That didn’t happen. I was 5 days late. I took 2 First Responses a day before AF was due.. Took a generic the following day.. Nothing.. No signs of her. When I got home, I took another generic and 2 dollar tree tests. One ended up being an Evap. On the morning of Memorial Day I woke up in so much pain and there she was. I cried. Full on- out loud cry fest for Dee.
I tried to time it. Perhaps too many expectations? Our 5 year anniversary is April 29th. I was thinking Oh.. well.. perhaps I’ll have my first child before I hit 31. It could still happen…. I’m sad.. I see the BFP’s on the Tribe and I am so happy for those women but I can’t help but be sad for me. I put TTC on hold and when we went into this 100% this cycle and the results were nada. So.. Back to the diet, exercise and meds for me and we’ll try again in a few weeks.
Our friends are getting married in Florida next March.. Looks like I definitely won’t be attending now. Unless it takes me longer to conceive. I have a goal. If I’m not pregnant by September.. Back to the RE for me to take further action. But for now. This just gave me more ambition to continue losing the weight I need. Waiting is the healthier and smarter option but I couldn’t help but try and hope. This next cycle I will invite magick into this more than last cycle and hope for the best that the Gods see me ready to have a baby.
Celtic Fertility Prayer
Hail to you, New Moon,
Beautiful guide to the clouds
May your gaze
promise new beginnings
Hail to you, New Moon,
Beautiful beloved of my heart.
May your light
shine right into my soul
Hail to you, O New Moon,
Beautiful luminary of our sky
May your wisdom
open my womb to receive
Kuan Yin Fertility Prayer
Great Bodhisattva,
Blessed Mother Kuan Yin,
I pray ye, help me to be fertile,
I pray ye, help me to be fruitful,
I pray ye, help me to conceive a healthy child,
I ask this with all of my heart,
I ask this with my body and soul,
I ask this in your holy name,
So be it! Blessed Be!
Amen!
Pagan Fertility Prayer
Prayer for Pregnancy
Help Me to Be Fruitful
Great Goddess, Empress Earth,
I pray you, help me to be fertile
I pray you, help me to be fruitful
I pray you, help me to conceive a healthy child
I ask this with all of my heart
I ask this with my body and soul
I ask this in the Lady's name
So be it! Blessed be!
I tried to time it. Perhaps too many expectations? Our 5 year anniversary is April 29th. I was thinking Oh.. well.. perhaps I’ll have my first child before I hit 31. It could still happen…. I’m sad.. I see the BFP’s on the Tribe and I am so happy for those women but I can’t help but be sad for me. I put TTC on hold and when we went into this 100% this cycle and the results were nada. So.. Back to the diet, exercise and meds for me and we’ll try again in a few weeks.
Our friends are getting married in Florida next March.. Looks like I definitely won’t be attending now. Unless it takes me longer to conceive. I have a goal. If I’m not pregnant by September.. Back to the RE for me to take further action. But for now. This just gave me more ambition to continue losing the weight I need. Waiting is the healthier and smarter option but I couldn’t help but try and hope. This next cycle I will invite magick into this more than last cycle and hope for the best that the Gods see me ready to have a baby.
Celtic Fertility Prayer
Hail to you, New Moon,
Beautiful guide to the clouds
May your gaze
promise new beginnings
Hail to you, New Moon,
Beautiful beloved of my heart.
May your light
shine right into my soul
Hail to you, O New Moon,
Beautiful luminary of our sky
May your wisdom
open my womb to receive
Kuan Yin Fertility Prayer
Great Bodhisattva,
Blessed Mother Kuan Yin,
I pray ye, help me to be fertile,
I pray ye, help me to be fruitful,
I pray ye, help me to conceive a healthy child,
I ask this with all of my heart,
I ask this with my body and soul,
I ask this in your holy name,
So be it! Blessed Be!
Amen!
Pagan Fertility Prayer
Prayer for Pregnancy
Help Me to Be Fruitful
Great Goddess, Empress Earth,
I pray you, help me to be fertile
I pray you, help me to be fruitful
I pray you, help me to conceive a healthy child
I ask this with all of my heart
I ask this with my body and soul
I ask this in the Lady's name
So be it! Blessed be!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
TTC... Yet again
So we started trying again this month... I'm scared and hopeful at the same time. I'm scared of being disappointed.. Of having to wait months and months with no positive results in the end. I recently lost 20+ pounds, changed my eating habits. Got into a regular exercise routine and with those changes, I felt and seen my body change, in a good way.
I don't want our life to be robotic. Must make a baby.. Must make a baby.. Have to have sex on these days.. That's not a way to live. It puts unnecessary pressure on us both. I wish we could be that couple to just wing it. Clearly that didn't work in the past.
So I have a goal. I would like to lose another 20-40 pounds by October. It could totally happen! If I'm not pregnant by October, then I will be back to the doctor and take a more serious approach to my infertility.
What else is there.. I turned 30 on Saturday. So far my goals of having and being done with having kids by 30 was botched and tossed out the window.
AF is due today.. I tested yesterday, first one malfunctioned. Second was a negative but it could be early right? Always the optimist. I think I'll wait until tomorrow to test again...
I don't want our life to be robotic. Must make a baby.. Must make a baby.. Have to have sex on these days.. That's not a way to live. It puts unnecessary pressure on us both. I wish we could be that couple to just wing it. Clearly that didn't work in the past.
So I have a goal. I would like to lose another 20-40 pounds by October. It could totally happen! If I'm not pregnant by October, then I will be back to the doctor and take a more serious approach to my infertility.
What else is there.. I turned 30 on Saturday. So far my goals of having and being done with having kids by 30 was botched and tossed out the window.
AF is due today.. I tested yesterday, first one malfunctioned. Second was a negative but it could be early right? Always the optimist. I think I'll wait until tomorrow to test again...
Friday, March 27, 2009
The Planned Child- Poem
I hated the fact that they had planned me,
she had taken a cardboard out of his shirt from the laundry
as if sliding the backbone up out of his body,
and made a chart of the month and put
her temperature on it, rising and falling,
to know the day to make meI would have
liked to have been conceived in heat,
in haste, by mistake, in love, in sex,
not on cardboard, the little x on the
rising line that did not fall again.
But when a friend was pouring wine
and said that I seem to have been a child who had been wanted,
I took the wine against my lips
as if my mouth were moving along
that valved wall in my mothers body, she was
bearing down, and then breathing from the mask, and then
bearing down, pressing me out into
the world that was not enough for her without me in it,
not the moon, the sun, Orion
cartwheeling across the dark, not
the earth, the seanone of it
was enough, for her, without me.
Sharon Olds (b. 1942)
she had taken a cardboard out of his shirt from the laundry
as if sliding the backbone up out of his body,
and made a chart of the month and put
her temperature on it, rising and falling,
to know the day to make meI would have
liked to have been conceived in heat,
in haste, by mistake, in love, in sex,
not on cardboard, the little x on the
rising line that did not fall again.
But when a friend was pouring wine
and said that I seem to have been a child who had been wanted,
I took the wine against my lips
as if my mouth were moving along
that valved wall in my mothers body, she was
bearing down, and then breathing from the mask, and then
bearing down, pressing me out into
the world that was not enough for her without me in it,
not the moon, the sun, Orion
cartwheeling across the dark, not
the earth, the seanone of it
was enough, for her, without me.
Sharon Olds (b. 1942)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
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