Failure...

Happiness is... Telling your husband that you're 4 days late and if we were pregnant this month we only had to dance once. He proceeded to do a dance singing "ONE TIME BABY!" TMI I know but we had an off month. LOL!

Sadness is... Telling your husband that even though you were 4 days late AF came like a bat out of hell and is still here 6 days late still as strong as ever.

Hubby admitted that he was incredibly upset this month. He had his hopes up... So did I. So did the few friends I told. Failure, is what I feel. "Unexplained Infertility" Yep. I haz it. It fucking sucks.

When I was speaking to my friend about what was happening this week... 4 days late, still heavy flow and heavy cramping. I think I had a miscarriage. I'm afraid to test. To confirm to see if it were true. Something isn't right. I never cramp past the 2nd day. I never have a heavy flow past the 3rd day. Now I'm easily on day 6 and it's just as heavy as ever. This isn't normal. It reminds me of my first confirmed miscarriage. This has happened only a few times before, which I believe ended in m/c. I will test tonight. If it's positive, what do I do? Head to the doctors and say "Well, here's a BFP but I'm bleeding like a mofo... Give me the news doc, because the pain is a Pain in the ass... Well not really the ass but you know what I mean."

Sigh.

October was suppose to be the month I reached my goal for my doctors. It was the month I was going to give IUI a shot but I'm 20-30lbs away from that procedure.

Failed again... While everyone around me is getting pregnant. I feel happy for them, truly I do but damn. Sometimes when you want something so bad, it just sucks and it's hard to put on a smiley happy all is fucking fineee in the world when it's not. "Relax, Calm Down, Stop Trying" Bitches better shut the hell up before I smack them.

Like a friend told me last night. "I was serious when I told you I'd be a surrogate for you"
I believe her. She offered years ago. I couldn't give up on myself. I couldn't give up even if it took me years to meet my child, conceived, carried, enjoyed and living through the complaints about the "agonies" of pregnancy. Bring it on. Bring it ALL on. I'm ready for them all!

"I truly believe the souls of our children wait for us until we are ready to bring them into the world" My friend last said to me. I agree with her. I can still say it sucks though.