It's been awhile...

Since I've posted on this Blog. I read through it on a regular/Monthly basis. Looking back at my most tender private thoughts for all the world to see. Not that the world is viewing my blog. But, it's my diary. My journal. An open book in the life of Dee.

I know I have IF but I never compare myself to those who had several miscarriages, or those who have several rounds of unsuccessful IVF sessions. Or successful rounds of IVF that end in losses. I believe they're struggling far worse than I am. I'm just... not getting pregnant. I never had the ultrasound or heard the heartbeat to connect to. So, could not knowing be worse? Why compare? I honestly question myself "Well, there's is a lot worse than what I'm going through because they had a chance to connect to their unborn child." Mine was with me in spirit and dreams and feelings, and several tests that showed two lines. I know she was a girl because that's what my instinct and everything mentioned above told me. She was my little girl. Hubby's eyes and my dark hair. I loved her as soon as I saw her and when I said goodbye to her, my heart broke but I was released from the pain and agony I felt.

I believe I had my 3rd miscarriage not too long ago. Again another chemical but to me it was just another day. A very painful day and then it passed. It was exactly like my first, minus the tests. I never confirmed it, never went to the doctors... I just let my body do it's thing. Could I be wrong? Possibly, but I don't think so. Very few know what happened that day, it's not something I talk about with anyone. Maybe it's my mind being in denial or accepting the fact that it wasn't meant to be? So I'm moving on and counting my one and only positive pregnancy that happened in January of 2006.

It's hard to think that she would of been 4 this year. Still hard when I look at others my age who are 'spitting' out kids left and right. Even those who are younger than I am. Who don't want kids, but yet they are blessed with a child? How fair is that? Who am I to question what the F is going on? What about the rest of us who are suffering? When will it be OUR turn to know that joy.

I welcome the back aches (not really since I have bad arthritis lol)
I welcome the swollen ankles, the puffy face, the tender breasts, the giant ass, the thick hair, nails, acne, morning sickness, weight gain, weight loss, the odd cravings, the struggling to make an attempt to fit into the last pair of jeans that seemed to fit alright a week ago but all of a sudden, I gained 10lbs?!

I welcome all of that! Bring it on Mother Goddess! I am ready!


This basically was an update to say that earlier in the year, I did an online psychic reading. It worked for several pals and failed for another. She predicted that I would conceive in July, find out in August and have my baby girl April 22nd or 23rd.

What she did not know was that before the reading took place, Hubby and I decided to put a stop to the TTC until we lost some weight and took control over a few personal things but we'd try in July... Coincidence? Instead of preventing pregnancy, we kept doing our thing, if we got pregnant than PRAISE THE GODDESS!! lol It didn't happen. Even around ovulation, we kept at it... Nothing. No scares, nada. Other than what I believed to be a Chemical.

April came. With that came 'Spring Fling' a Pagan concert and ritual. During the ritual we had what was called the Maypole Dance. The girls grabbed me and I was the one who put the giant Maypole into the hole. Very phallic indeed. VERY fertile! The entire ritual was about fertility and was spectacular. Mama Mary whom I love dearly, a pillar in our community, our CWPN President tied what seemed to be a simple Hemp Bracelet. But it was something more. A gift that from that night I tied onto my Akuabu statue. People gave me their babydust, rubbed my belly, kissed my cheeks and then I danced. Danced around the Maypole with my red ribbon until I tied it at the end.

The last one who danced the Maypole at one of our events got herself pregnant in September... Coincidence again? Pretty close there online psychic reader.

So last week we were focused on getting pregnant. I brought all of my borrowed fertility gifts upstairs. Did my own prayer and ritual and proceeded to repeat every night. TMI? LOL!!
Last night was a full moon and according to www.fertilitygal.com I was ovulating. Great timing indeed.

We'll see what happens. I hate to say 'I'll wait to test' but no way! I'm going to test as early as I can LOL! 2 weeks from now I will either see two lines, or just one... We shall see.